Sunday, June 26, 2016

Catching up

Did something today I'm not usually comfortable doing. I was taught, growing up, that you can never have too many friends. I was taught to always be nice and make room in your life for people who might need you.

Since then, life happened and I realized that's all pretty much crap. I can have too many friends. Not real ones, mind you - ones who are there through good and bad times - but those "friends" for the sake of being a number in someone's friend count? No thanks.

I got a message today from someone I knew for a number of years. We weren't ever close friends, but we did things occasionally. Over time, we drifted apart, as friends do. And a few weeks ago, in a grand sweep of clutter removal, I took her and about a hundred others off my friends list on Facebook. It wasn't personal, mind you - I just felt that our time as friends had come to an end. Today, she sent me a message, asking me to call her. Since I don't really do phone calls, I explained that and asked her what was up (making sure nothing was wrong). "Oh, nothing. Just wanted to catch up."

See, here's the thing. I put my life out there on Facebook. I wouldn't have told her anything she couldn't see there during the years we were friends. But mostly, I don't do "catching up". It's trivial, it's pointless, and I don't enjoy those types of conversations. Ask me about important things - like what my favorite childhood memory is. Or when the last time was that I felt true fear. Or what keeps me up at night. Or, maybe what it feels like to not want to end my life for the first time in 33 years.

We literally hadn't spoken in over two years, so my thoughts are, if you couldn't at least drop a note, LIKE a post, or comment on something I said, then there's not much to catch up on. I needed my friends the last two years. NEEDED them. Not just for a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on, but literally, physically needed their help and support. She didn't give it.

So, for the first time in my life, I used my strength and turned down an opportunity to "catch up" with an old friend. I explained that over the last few years, I've learned who my friends are and who they aren't, and considering she hadn't spoken to me since 2014, it was pretty clear to me which category she fit into. I was polite. I was to-the-point. And I don't feel guilty. I'm taking my life back.

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