I'll always be...

On the inside of my right wrist, I have the word "trust" tattooed. On the other one, I have "breathe." I did this a couple years ago to remind myself to do the two things I have the most difficulty doing. 

It's rare that I am able to just take a deep breath and let things go. I think about them, roll them over in my head repeatedly, lose sleep over them and overanalyze everything to death. Also, I've realized that I don't breathe deeply. Like, at all. I have never measured, but I'm sure I only use about half the capacity of my lungs on any given day. I breathe very shallowly because my body is always tense. Always. Shoulders, arms, neck, chest. When my body is tense, I'm not able to breathe in like I should. You know when you're watching a scary or suspenseful movie and you take that sharp breath in and hold it? That's what I do all the time. I'm always on edge - waiting for the worst to happen. It's rare that it actually does, but that doesn't mean I'm not constantly anticipating it. It's made for a most stressful existence.

Trust, on the other hand, is the paradox. I don't have any problem trusting other people. Sometimes, I'd like to think I don't trust easily, but the problem is that I do. I believe what people tell me because I'm authentic and genuine. I don't approach life with dishonesty or manipulation, so I fool myself into thinking that others are just as honest and forthright as I am. Sadly, as time goes on, I'm finding out, they're not. Many people have agendas. I won't say all people because I'm not that cynical, but there are a lot of people out there who are only looking out for themselves. The worst part about this is that I'm more likely to trust someone who is manipulating me than I trust myself. I question my own instincts and judgment ALL the time - what to have for dinner, what I should wear, how I should wear my hair. I'm always asking for people's input on things that I shouldn't have any problem choosing for myself. I mean, I'm a smart woman. More intelligent, actually, than most people realize. But I don't trust myself to make the right choices - not when it comes to simple stuff and most definitely not when it comes to big things.

I'm learning that I need to start breathing deeper and trusting myself. I'll probably always have to be reminded to take a deep breath; I don't know how to do anything else. But I'm going to make a conscious effort to be better about it. I can't go through life always expecting the worst to happen, especially when my life is as good as it is.

I'm a firm believer that people are brought into our lives as blessings or lessons. And I'll always be the person who believes everyone is a blessing until I'm shown otherwise and I'm okay with that. I'd much rather feel like a fool for believing the best about people than having walls that prevent me from getting close to anyone.