Thursday, October 17, 2013

I'm waaaaay funny! Hire me!

While job hunting today, I ran across the following ad:
Are you a powerfully proficient problem solver and a pleasant, peppy, playful, people person?
Do deadlines tremble at the sound of your planner?
Are you totally chill while all those around you are, like, freaking out?
Then we're freaking out because we want to talk to you!
[Name of the business], is expanding our fast-paced fast-growing service department and we need a fun, funny, fast thinking, hard working person with a great spirit and a happy soul to grow with us.
You are part customer greeter, part traffic cop, part salesperson, part awesome!
Auto repair experience isn't required but it would be uber-groovy if you knew the dif between a caliper and a water pump.
Every great service department needs glue to hold the whole thing together. Is that glue, you?
If you have sick organization and customer service skills and a proven track record of being successful glue, email your resume and cover letter stating in 200 words or less why you like cars and why you would hire you. Thank you! 

Okay, first of all, whoever placed this ad is awesome. And clever. And witty. And totally somebody I want to work with. Secondly, I can't not apply for it. I mean, c'mon! Aside from Dick's Last Resort, a job where I get to crack jokes and be funny all day is the PERFECT job for me! So I sent them my resumé and cover lettter:
Dear Funny Peeps who Posted the Job Ad:
Rumor on the interwebs is you’re lookin’ for some sort of car smartie. It just so happens that I fit the bill. You could just take my word for it and hire me now. You know, save us both the hassle of an interview where you ask me what kind of animal I’d be if I could be anything and the pain of a background check (that murder rap was a frame-up, man!). I’m totes legit, I promise! But I know there’s red tape all over stuff like this. So here’s my spiel on why you should hire me.
I’m kinda the funniest person I know and I love to have fun – practical jokes excluded because c’mon! Nobody likes Vaseline under the door handle, dude. Be original! Anyways, like I said, I’m waaaaaay funny; I’m also wicked-smaht, super OCD (that means organized), quick-witted, a total smart aleck to keep those service guys on their toes (I mean seriously? Who would sleep on the job when I’m likely to duct tape them to their undercarriage-scooter thingie? Yes, that’s a technical term.), and I approve of awesome alliteration (see what I did there?). Now, I probably don’t know where exactly an intake manifold is located, but hey…look at me using that word in a sentence! (I’m guessing it means big $, big $, big $, no Whammies?)
That glue that holds the department together? I’m it. I’m better than Gorilla glue, baby!
Now, that 200-words-or-less thing? *snort* Not happening, buddy. I’m a chick. We can make a “hello” into an three-day convention with key-note speakers. (Quit pouting. You’re loving this.) Long story short, I like cars because I don’t like being at home and there's some stupid ordinance against keeping a camel inside city limits (blah!). As far as why I’d hire me? I’d hire me because I’m a crap ton of funny (which is just slightly less than a buttload, but way more than a smidge). Oh, and because I know how much I need money. You know, to put gas in that car that takes me away from home.
So, are we done here? You ready to hire me yet and put everybody who is far less funny than I am out of their misery as they try to figure out how to approach your ad? Suh-WEET!
BTW, that “part customer greeter, part traffic cop, part salesperson, part awesome!” thing? I *might* be overqualified because let’s be honest, I’m TOTALLY awesome. You know you’re thinkin’ it.
Write me back, homie!
Your future Car Smartie (Customer Care Coordinator)
P.S. Do I get handcuffs to go along with that cop uniform?
P.P.S. Ignore how laaaaaame my resumé is. I jacked it from some joker in a book and jazzed it up with my own job history.
If I don't at least get an interview, I'm going to be extremely disappointed in their sense of humor.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

How's that Bucket List coming along?

Last year, I vowed to begin completing more items on my Bucket List. By the year's end, I'd completed eighty-six items on the list, fourteen of them having been done in 2012. WOO! Unfortunately, the claws of depression gripped me pretty hard and I spent much of the year just trying to breathe. Actually getting out there and living was far beyond my capabilities at the time.

This year, I've also been slow on checking things off the list, but even so, checking even one item off the list is an accomplishment because I'm not dead yet, so there's always tomorrow to get more done. Of course, I'm constantly adding new things to the list so my quest will never really be done, but it keeps things fun.

What have I done this year?

264. Photograph a Pacific sunset. Done in Malibu at Leo Carillo State Park.
249. Do a tequila shot with Michael Cudlitz. Feb 24th at Chevy's in Burbank.

266. Have Buffalo wings at the Anchor Bar. April 9th on our way home from Ft. Drum.
268. Meet Bret Michaels. At 7 Flags Event Center on April 28th

267. Have my book published. Distance and Time went to digital sales on July 16th.

81. Ride in a private plane. August 9th - A pilot friend of mine took me on a brief flight to the Des Moines area for aerial photos.

144. Own a white kitten. Meet Jack aka Repo. We adopted him on October 8th.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Happy Fall Y'all!

October 1st. When the hell did it become October first?! Where did the rest of the year go? Feels like just yesterday I was putting away Christmas decorations and it won't be too long before I'm dragging them back out. The good news is that my lazy ass never took them back to the shed, so at least I won't have to be digging them out of the shed when it's cold and there's snow blowing around. 

We're a little more than a month into the school year. Big Man is a senior now (still trying to figure out when that happened, too) and Midget's a sophomore. The older they get, the more I enjoy spending time with them. Sure, they still try my patience at times, but overall, they're pretty good kids.

Hubby has been busy with work. He's the type of person who gets restless when he isn't busy, so between his full-time job and his part-time job, I see him in passing half the time. He's happiest when he's busy, though, so I don't fuss too much. He also started bowling, so he's actually enjoying some of his free time, too.

Me? I've been busy with a thousand things and nothing at all. Aside from working on the second book in the Time After Time series, I've been spending a lot of time with friends and family. We lost Pops (my bestie's dad) at the beginning of September, so we've been focusing a lot more on what's important: loved ones. Sunday dinners are becoming a tradition for us and that's something we really enjoy. With most of my family gone or moved away, this "adoptive" family of mine has been pretty great to kickstart old family traditions. 

This month should mark the release date of Distance and Time in paperback, which I am THRILLED about! I know a lot of my fans are old school folks and have been waiting for this. And I have to admit, it's going to be pretty incredible to have my OWN book on my bookcase instead of everyone else's. Not that being an author isn't a reality for me, but having it in literal black and white somehow makes it more real. Pretty exciting!

I'm hoping to get some Halloween decorations up later today or tomorrow and really gear up for Fall. Who knows, I may even get a hair up my butt and do some baking later. Yeaaaaaah, we all know that isn't gonna happen, but it was a fun thought, right?

What's on your agenda for this month?