Monday, June 18, 2012

A little secret

It's not often that I let down my walls, so if you're listening...listen closely. I'm going to share something I don't let many people know. Typically because I suspect it'll be used against me later.

I'm not as strong as I look.

In fact, that whole bad ass thing I put out? It's total bullshit.

I'm weak. And I'm tired. And I don't have the thick skin I pretend to have.

When I act like I don't need help, that is when I need it the most.

But I suck at asking for it. Why? Because when I do, it's a rare person who is actually there to give it. Doesn't matter if I've been that support for them. Doesn't matter if I've set my own needs aside for what they've got going on. Doesn't matter if I don't know how to help them. Fact of the matter is, I'm still there whether it's to offer advice, a helping hand, a different perspective or simply a listening ear.

I'm frustrated right now because of my health situation. Angry. Frustrated. And exhausted from fighting.

And who's here?

Almost nobody who told me they would be.

I can't tell you how many people have said "Oh, I can come up the week after your surgery to do _____," or "I'll be up next week to help you get _______," and "If you need me to ______, lemme know. I'm here for you." You know who's actually done that for me? Two people. And that was the week I got home from the hospital.

Sadly, I've been helped more by people who I haven't talked to for months than people right here in my own circle. It's disappointing to say the least.

I'm disengaging from social media for a while. I'm backing away from the obligations I signed up for. I've given all I can. I have to concentrate on me and reevaluate what I need right now and the glaringly obvious thing I need is less talk from people who really don't give a shit what happens to me.

If you care, call me. If not, well....shrugging...