Friday, September 21, 2012


I have a big issue with trust. Trusting strangers. Trusting friends. Trusting family. Trusting God. Mostly, though, I have trouble trusting myself. I find myself second-guessing decisions I make or avoiding making them altogether because I fear that I'll make the wrong choice and the consequences will be unpleasant (at best) or more than I can handle (at worst).

These decisions I have trouble making can be as minute as deciding what to pack for a weekend road trip or as serious as whether or not to have a hysterectomy. I always get a second opinion (sometimes a third, fourth or fifth) and weigh everyone's opinions with my own. It makes me crazy that I can't make simple decisions without consulting a panel of friends first. I know it comes down to my fear of what people think of me and the decisions I make. That's something I work on daily: not giving a damn what other people think.

One of these decisions happened in May. The morning of my surgery, actually. Without consulting my best friend or my husband, I stepped out in fear and "unfriended" someone I've known for over twenty years. I use "unfriended" in quotation marks because I tend to think that the decision to do so was made months before that morning. And the decision wasn't made by me. There had been no communication between us since the first part of the year and even then, it was tense and uncomfortable, at best. 

For the last four months, I've been second-guessing myself and my decision to walk away. Had things really been that bad? That tense? That uncomfortable? Could I forgive her for not checking on me during my health scares back in the spring? Was I willing to overlook how intimidated I felt when I was around her? Should I go back to reverting to being a "beta dog" to her alpha whenever we spent time together? 

In short, no.

Last night I found out that in addition to the lies she told me, I learned that she also kept secrets from me. That's not friendship. That's deceit. Friends don't keep secrets from one another. They check up on you when you have surgery. They encourage you, not break you apart.

And in case there was any doubt, I'm no beta dog. I'm 100% Alpha.

I'm done second-guessing myself. I made the right decision in May. I made the right decision and in doing so, I'm starting to trust myself a little more. And if cutting those ties is what brought me to this point, then there's no doubt whatsoever that I made the right choice.

It's amazing what a little different perspective can do for you.

1 comment:

  1. This is eerily similar to something I went through with a friend this spring. I STILL come back to my decision and question whether it was the right thing to do. I'm trying really hard to just let it go.