Saturday, July 2, 2011

Spanx 1 - Melly 0

I wasn't going to buy anything special for my nephew's wedding tomorrow. Just wear a pair of dress capri's and a pretty blouse. I'm the photographer as well as the aunt, after all. No sense getting all guzzied up when I'd just be working most of the time, right?

Vanity is a convincing bitch.

I decided tonight at 7pm that I needed a new outfit. (Did I mention the wedding is tomorrow afternoon?) So Midget and I hauled ass to the mall. I had a birthday card from Torrid for $10 off, so we stopped there first. Aside from one dress that I loved (but was also twice the price), I didn't find squat. We left disgruntled. We went downstairs to NY&Co. It's one of my favorite stores and until I packed 20lbs back on, had TONS of clothes that fit me. I was hopeful.

Sure enough, they had a lot of great summer dresses on clearance. Found a beautiful dress in blue. Went a couple stores down and found some beautiful silver shoes. BAM! Done!

Well, almost.

With the black dress I bought from there last year, I didn't need Spanx to cover up the cellulite in my ass, so I didn't bother. With this lighter color, I knew I was gonna have to break down and invest in some.

Went to the next store and found a full body garment (well, it goes from top to mid-thigh, at least). At the suggestion of a friend in a previous conversation, I grabbed one size smaller than what I needed and headed to the dressing room.

Oh, did I forget to tell you the temperature today was 93° with 110° heat index? The mall was possibly hotter.

Three things:
  1. I'm not the size I thought I was, because the first pair of Spanx barely made it past my ankles. Midget had to run and get the next biggest size.
  2. Putting on Spanx when you're sweaty, in a hurry and bloated is not a good combination.
  3. Don't take your skinny teenaged daughter (the one with her curves in all the right places) with you to try on Spanx. She will sit outside the dressing room calling out loudly "Mom? Are you okay in there? Do I need to call someone?" *blank stare* (No, Twiggy. You don't need to fucking CALL anybody. Shut the hell up.)
I don't think it's any coincidence that Playtex makes undergarments AND rubber dish gloves -- hello? They're the same damn product, just different holes for your hands and different packaging! What sadistic bastard created these things?! I consider myself pretty dexterous. However, I'm certain I got both a hernia and strained my wrists getting this contraption onto my body. As it is, I'm going to have to have help tomorrow getting back into that thing. The only person who can help me get dressed? My husband. I didn't really wanna ever get laid again, anyway, did I? Seriously, after seeing me squeeze my size 20 ass into a size 2 girdle, that's like seeing the Wizard behind the curtain. You can't unsee that shit.


But, alas, I have found the undergarment I sought. And I will wear it tomorrow with a beautiful new dress and the gorgeous new shoes. And all will be right with the world. In the meantime, I'm going to go cry into my vodka.

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