Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Impatience and other ramblings

I should be working on edits for the book, but here I sit blogging instead. I suppose I'm still writing, and that's a good thing, but it's hard not to beat myself up about not working harder on the book. Anyway, I digress.
Today, I turned 37.

I'm not quite sure where the time has gone. I see news articles about things that happened 30 years ago and my brain jumps to the 60's and then I realize, "Uhhh no. That was the 80's, honey." Seriously, where the hell did the time go?

My 20's were mostly a blur. I blame that on poor choices and alcohol (usually one spawned by the other). 

My thirties, however, *shaking my head*, I dunno where they've gone. I want to pull the plug on the clock and stop time. I'd be content with daylight savings time being in effect on birthdays, too - jumping back a year so maybe I don't feel so old?

I didn't get as depressed this year on my birthday, so that's progress, but I do feel much older this year than I have in years past. Not sure why that is. If I had to take a guess, I'd say it's because I feel stagnant. Hell, I don't feel it. I am stagnant. I'm not going anywhere...doing anything. Not worth while, anyway. I want to be in New York by now. I should have been in New York by now, but it didn't work out to my timing. Not that I'm not used to things working out in their own timing, but my own impatience is gnawing at me from the inside and I feel like I'm in a holding pattern.

I am getting things in order, though. Finances are slowly coming together and we're building savings little by little. I promised myself before I left that we would have a small cushion so if we needed it, it would be there. So I guess that's moving in the right direction. The job hunt around here is killing me slowly, though, I'm certain. The jobs that pay worth a damn are all corporate jobs where they expect you to put in years on the job. If I were staying here, that would be one thing, but I feel awkward applying for jobs like that when I know in a year from now, I may not still be here. That leaves me with the jobs that don't pay so well, which means longer time here in Iowa while I stock away as much as possible in savings. It's frustrating for this impatient spirit of mine.

It's also frustrating because not everyone around me understands my creative mind. They don't understand that even if that corporate job was offered to me that I'd be bored to death the minute I'm trained. Wanderlust and the corporate mindset don't mesh well. And for those without creative minds, that struggle with boredom is seen as failure. It's not seen as the monotony I see it as. It's failure. With a capital F. I despise punching a timeclock. Despise following all the rules. Despise dress codes and commutes and hour-long lunches and being productive from 8am til 5pm. That's not me. It never will be. Right now -- at 2 in the morning? This is my productive time. This is when I'm creative and when I come alive. My mind works more between midnight and 3am than it does the rest of the day all bunched into one. But that, too, isn't the "norm" for those around me, so they don't get it and I'm cast again as a misfit. I know I'm not alone, but damn, sometimes it feels like it. It isn't like I don't want to be normal. I'd love it if I could find pride in being an administrative assistant or some insurance exec, but that. isn't. me. I don't consider myself better than that. I just consider myself different and it takes all kinds, right?

Until I'm where I'm supposed to be, I'll have to keep putzing along and pretending that I fit into the mold everybody wants me to be. I just hope they don't expect too much out of me. "Failure" is just around the corner, I'm sure.

I told my bestie tonight (regarding a different subject) "The timing just isn't right. It'll work out when it's meant to." I guess I probably should swallow some of that reality myself. Right now, I'm not meant to be in New York. I don't know why, but I'm still needed here for whatever reason. I'm sure it'll show itself before long and I can see it for myself. Until then, I just have to keep breathing and trusting (and "failing").

Easy enough, right?

No comments:

Post a Comment