I know. "Big surprise, Mel!"
I've been complaining on Twitter, Facebook and in person. I'm pretty much a Bitch Triple Threat.
I am sorry. I know (and have always known) that I make my own happiness. So if I'm in a bad mood, it's my own fault. Again, this isn't news to me and I'm sorry that you've all had to witness my pissy attitude. I can't even stand to be around myself, so those of you who have been ready to slap me, I totally don't blame you.
There are a lot of things that are contributing to my struggle with remaining positive, but most of it are things that are in my control. And I've always believed that if I don't like something that's within my control, I need to change it. So I'm changing it.
I'm going to try and back off some of my social networking. Not cut it out completely, because let's face it, I love being social. What I don't love, however, is all the chaos and upheaval and negativity I've allowed myself to be pulled into. I'm a mother hen and I'm protective. I'm a Cancer...it's in my genetic make-up. Can't help that. So when I see someone I care about struggling with something, I want to fix it. Most times I can't, which makes me frustrated and the snowball to hell begins. So, I'm doing what I need to do and that is to limit my involvement in everyone else's life. I'm pulling back. I have to.
I'm realizing, somewhat cynically, that the energy I'm spending is not the energy I'm getting in return. I'm not one of those people who does things for recognition or appreciation or kudos or karma. I do things because I genuinely like to help. But the truth of the matter is, it would be nice if some of that energy is returned without having to ask for it. I can be a bulldozer sometimes when it comes to giving advice or taking something over when I see someone's at their breaking point. It can be annoying so I'm working on it, but honestly, I'd love it if someone bulldozed me and took over when I'm at my breaking point. But, that doesn't happen. People (mis)read me as "the Strong One." Mel can handle it. Look at how strong she is! She's been through so much. She's got such a strong Alpha personality, she can handle anything. But that's not the truth. I'm a survivor because I have to be. I do it because no one else will. I still get hurt by words and actions. I still feel neglected and ignored. I still cry in the shower where nobody can hear me. I've learned to cover up my emotions with sarcasm and catty humor. But when it boils down to it, I'm extremely sensitive and I actually have a very low threshold for stress.
I'm the type of person who picks up on other people's emotions and unfortunately they tend to dictate my own emotions. In the paranormal world this is called being an "empath." In the regular world, it's like being a sponge. I absorb whatever's around me (positive or negative, fragrant or stinky) and that's what I put out to the world.
I asked a trusted friend yesterday how to block out those empathic tendencies and she said that she herself has to visualize building a wall so they don't take over her life. It helps her stay balanced. For me? Those walls wouldn't just be a visualization. If I started visualizing them, I would begin building them. I don't want to do that. I want to help people. But I can't do it at my own emotional expense.
I posted a quote the other day that reads "You are responsible for the energy you bring into this space." The energy I've been bringing is shit. And I'm over it.
This blog isn't meant to single people out or make anyone second guess what they've done for me or not done. It's simply meant to explain a little bit about what I'm dealing with right now so you can understand why I'm not seeming "myself." If it does make you think about the kind of energy you're putting out there, great. But it's not why I posted it.
While I am pulling back from social media, it doesn't mean that I don't want interaction. Message me. IM me. Text me. BBM me. Email me. Stop by and see me. Call ...no, don't call. I hate talking on the phone.(Well? I do! lol) I'm accessible by all of those means (even that wretched telephone). I just won't be at the Twitter/Facebook beck and call all the time.
To those who have been there for me: thank you. I appreciate it more than you can understand.