It's no secret that I speak what's on my mind and deal with the consequences of those words later. The other day I got into some hot water for having spoken my mind on Facebook. Long story short, people stuck their noses in where they didn't belong and my husband got dragged into it. (Believe me, you don't want to know.)
I sat there after all this happened in tears, dreading going into work. Hubs was home and we were talking about it. I told him that I hated that I didn't know how not to vent about things that make me mad or frustrate me. It's so natural for me to just spout off whatever's on my mind. I wear my heart on my sleeve and open myself up to shit like this regularly. I don't hold back. And it gets me into trouble. I told him, "I wish I could be like you: have a blow-up and four minutes later, be sleeping soundly with all of it blocked out."
That's when he pointed out something I hope I never forget: With blocking out the stress comes blocking out the passion.
I just sat there and looked at him as I let it all sink in. He continued, "When I shut out the stress and the emotion and the anger, I also shut out the smiles and the laughter and the happy. Just like you wish you could be like me, I wish I could be like you. You feel EVERYTHING...as big as possible. You laugh for hours. You smile constantly. You're in a constant state of high emotion, whether you're happy or pissed. You don't know how to do middle ground and I love that about you. Me? I feel nothing most days. I don't get pissed or angry, but that means I also don't laugh a lot. I don't smile all that often. I keep everything pretty middle-of-the-road because I don't know how not to."
He made me realize that I never want to be like that. So if it means I have to apologize for my words, wrap my hand because I've punched a wall or pick up the shards of whatever I've broken, I'll do it. Because I wouldn't give up this laughter, these smiles and this happiness for anything in the world.
The pissed will pass.
The laughter? Never.