Monday, November 9, 2009

Who are you?

I was talking with a friend earlier tonight that I met online a few years ago. We were asking each other random questions and he asked me "If someone were to ask you "Who are you?" how would you respond?"

I was dumbstruck.

How exactly would I respond to that question?

I answered a simple "I'm the most complex person you'll ever meet," which is true, but definitely doesn't tell anyone who I really am. It doesn't tell them, for instance, that I *hate* waking up but do enjoy mornings. It also doesn't tell them that I can't stand fighting, but love a good debate. That I like cheese sauce and string cheese, but don't like cheeseburgers or cheese on my salad. That I can stay up for days on end, but also sleep for days on end once I crash.

It doesn't tell them that I value my privacy and my solace, but am scared to death of being alone later in life. Or that I can eat Frosted Mini-Wheats straight out of the box, but don't usually eat them for breakfast. Or that I moan in my sleep and always dream in color. Or that I sing well but always get embarrassed about receiving applause for doing so.

It doesn't tell them that my favorite color is orange. And red. And purple. That I have a brand new box of crayons that I bought a year ago but haven't used yet. That I have two fathers and never really knew either of them. That my mother died when I was 15 and while I didn't know her as an adult, my life's experiences have mimicked hers. It doesn't reveal that I'm highly sentimental about my family but rarely speak to my own sister.

It doesn't express how much I love animals and dislike most people I meet. It doesn't tell them that I don't watch the news or read the paper because it's too depressing. Or that I love Christmas but hate not being able to decorate and give gifts the way I would like to because of financial constraints. It doesn't reveal that I cry for no reason and every reason. Or that I find more sympathy for characters in a book or movie than I do real people most days.

Who am I? I guess now you know.

Monday, November 2, 2009

I'm just me

"Giiiiiiirl, you just....MMMM!"

Those were the first words uttered by the husband of a couple we're friends with when we walked into the Halloween Party last night. He ended the sentence in a growl and a shake of the head. I guess I don't see it. It's hard for me, really. Having been a heifer most of my life, I don't see that I'm any different than I've ever been. I'm just me. I have my moments of confidence, but like any woman with self-esteem issues, I constantly question compliments and the only things I really notice are how many fat days I have a week, how much the numbers on the scale fluctuate and how I haven't gone down another size in almost two months. I don't see this vixen my friends seem to see. I don't know that I ever will.

But even my husband says she's there. He said last night I carry myself differently. I'm more confident, less introverted and I even smile more than I used to. He said he wished I could see myself the way he sees me.

The thing is..and I may spend time in therapy for this, I guess I consider almost any declaration of accomplishment egotistical and an unattractive quality in any human being. So while I have learned to take compliments better, I still brush them off because they make me uncomfortable. I know I've lost weight. I know those thirty-ish pounds I've lost are a HUGE accomplishment, but to point it out, feels awkward to me. To celebrate them for more than a general statement of "I lost ____ pounds," to me, seems self-serving and the *LAST* thing I ever want to be is self-absorbed or egotistical.

I have over 400 followers on Twitter and I still sit back and say "what the hell?" I know many of those people follow me because of the weight loss I've achieved over the last few months, but it still seems weird to me. There are celebrities who've lost more weight than I have. There are tried-and-true people who live healthy lifestyles daily who are far more "together" than I am. Why the hell do 400+ people want to follow me? I'm just me, ya know? I tell people the same thing when it comes to my writing...or my singing....or anything else they try to compliment me on: I'm just me. I'm nobody special.

I'm MUCH more comfortable just blending into the background than being out there in the spotlight. And I'm discovering just how uncomfortable I am receiving compliments, too. This weight loss thing is much more difficult than I realized. It's so much more than just losing weight. There's responsibility with it, too. I didn't know about it. I sure don't know what to do with it and furthermore, I don't think I'm qualified to take it on. do I just lose the weight and return everything else that comes along with it?