Saturday, March 29, 2008

Square Peg in a Round Hole

I’ve never been one surrounded by dozens of close friends. I’ve had a lot of friends that I’m comfortable with, but not ones that I’m particularly close to.

Growing up, I was best friends with someone who totally understood me. She was compassionate and kind, fun and fun-loving. Her mother was sick like mine, so she "got it." She could relate to me. However, when she was 26, Rebecca died very suddenly of congestive heart failure. I was devastated. It was always hard for me to be friends with other girls because I didn’t trust them. I always felt like they had hidden agendas, so when I lost Becc, I shut myself off from friendships with other women. I just knew (even as unrealistic as this sounds) they’d either hurt me or leave me. I had some female friends, but I didn’t share my innermost self with them. There was too much risk involved. I wasn’t that strong. I kept the few friendships I had as shallow as possible. I was too afraid.

It wasn’t until many years later that I allowed myself to get close to another female. Fortunately for me, she didn’t back down when I didn’t let her through my crusty shell right away. She just stuck in there....and I eventually opened up to her. She’s still a wonderful friend of mine and I know I can trust her with anything.

But what about friendships with other women? I’m part of a group of people that most people in the world don’t understand. I won’t go into details, as they’re really not important...but in that group of people, there are so many women who are close. They hang out together, they connect on amazing levels. They do things together, just as women. I have thought that I was a part of their sorority, but when I see picture after picture posted on their profiles here (and elsewhere) I realize that I’m not.

I’m a square peg in a round hole.

I see the relationships these women have and I’m jealous. I know that’s a stupid emotion. I hate that I feel that way, but I really am jealous. I feel like there’s something wrong with me and that’s why I’m not included. Is there? Am I lacking in some way? Am I too _____? Am I not enough ______? Is it my fault that these women don’t want to include me? What am I doing wrong?

But I look at the pictures again....and I notice women that I wouldn't really want to be close to. I've seen one of them make a friend of mine's life a living hell - levels of stalking you see on the Lifetime channel. I don't want to be friends with her. So I ask myself I want to be friends with THESE specific women...or do I just want a group of women like this to be close to?

God, I haven’t felt this out of place since high school...should that mean something, too?

I’m not a bad why do I feel like an outcast?