Sunday, April 6, 2008

I bet you think this blog is about you

I've never been a vain person.


No, seriously....I am not a vain person. At least I wasn't, until recently.

I've never considered myself beautiful....and most days, I don't even think I'm pretty. But I'd take those "ugly" days over this anyday. The middle of January, I started having problems with facial swelling and Bell's Palsy. My kinesiologist confirmed my suspicions that it was all related. He's wrong.

I'm pissed about it.

We could've been treating this differently this whole fucking time if he'd taken a few minutes to look it up. But I digress.

I'm sitting here right now typing this with limited visibility out of my left eye and virtually none from my right. My right eye is swollen shut and my left eye is pretty swollen too. Because of my vision the way that it is to begin with, my left eye has always been weaker than my right, so believe me when I say this is probably the most unpleasant I've ever felt. I can't read because it hurts my eyes. I can't watch TV because...well, let's face it, I can't fucking see anything. I can't sit in here and blog all damn day...again..the vision thing. Fortunately for me, I type by feel so I've at least got that going for me. Anyway...I was saying....I'm sitting here with limited visibility this morning. My upper lip is slightly puffy and there's a lump in my throat as well, also caused by this.

My first episode of this was only witnessed by my husband, kids, my doctor and his staff. I didn't really have to be seen in public...thank God. My ego is fragile enough without worrying about little kids bursting into tears at the sight of me.

This most recent episode began last night at a friend's house. I was surrounded by friends, so it technically wasn't a "public" place, but I was still self-conscious. My children, along with a few others, could tell something was wrong. It started as an irritation on my left eye. I got some drops and thought that'd be the end of it. Then I felt the itching begin and I knew it was going to be a long night. It began swelling shortly thereafter and within two hours, it was really bad. I managed to stick it out, though. Like I said, I had friends there, whom I knew wouldn't judge me. I made it longer there than I ever had when my hives start in.

We did decide to come home around 10:30 or so. Around midnight, the other eye began itching. Shit. Here we go again. Sure puffed up twice as bad as the other one and was swollen half-shut by the time I went to bed. I woke up this morning and it was swelled shut. I literally cannot see without forcefully opening my eyelid...and quite frankly, that's painful, so I'm not going to do it.

You never really realize just how sensitive you are about how you look until something like this happens, though. I never considered myself a vain person. Ever! But you couldn't pay me enough to be seen in public right now by strangers. I don't like being scrutinized for any reason....and being a fat girl is bad enough...but being a fat, UGLY girl is even worse.

This fucking sucks.

I'm going back to bed.

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